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Dear Jesus, sweet Jesus. George, Harold… She begins to suspect the answer is beyond her reach. She sends out fingers of desire, need, thought- tries to project them into her past, pull out something stable. The images seep through her fingers like fine sand peppered with doubt. Irving, Johnothan, Kenneth, Lyle… She has a deep envy of the living. She is tired of her half-existence. She is tired of being sad, tired of not even minding that someone her age should grieve. And in the thin bony box of her head she understands, and accepts, the fact that her immense unhappiness is doomed to irrelevance anyway. Why worry? Why yearn toward a dream that is doomed to be unfulfilled? Because it would ease my regret. The woman can’t even express her inner turmoil to others, apart from holding onto a loud, scratchy moan. She does this, on occasion, to no effect. She feels a part of her wanting to go back to the things she used to like- the feel of a new toothbrush against her gums, for instance.. It was as if I could enter into their most secret moments. So the closeness or distance between them at the breakfast table the next morning could often be explained by the relative success or failure of their time spent in the bedroom. Isn't it always? One night after they'd been out for a celebration, for instance, I heard them starting to fuck and so crept across to the shower room and heard her angry tone when he'd cum in her hair - her new hair-do. The next morning's silence across the breakfast table was therefore explained. Or when they were cuddly with each other, it usually followed her having had a number of orgasms after he'd licked her for what seemed like hours. Through the shower room wall I could hear his tongue licking at her juices. I became desperate to know every little detail about their sex life. And so when they were out, I went through their wardrobe and bedside cabinets and drawers. And there I found all sorts of sex toys, some of which I guess he'd brought.
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